Well, it’s certainly been a while since I last posted. Looking back over my previous posts, I was actually going quite well apart from being stuck up and unimpressed with male ego driven idiocy.
After my last post, I went completely off the rails. It was as though revealing the fact I have a partner whom I really love tripped me out. I got pissed off with being told by him how to spend my money, when I earn it without his assistance and he gets looked after with it, plus the whole game was getting to me. I rediscovered the drugs and I’ve had some pretty f**ked up moments the last six months.
Thankfully, I have also had some revelations, and in the last month or so, I’ve knocked the out of control behaviour on the head. I have always had a terrible habit of picking my face and skin when I’ve been on meth, to the extent of being regularly told to wear mittens so I stop ripping at my skin. (I discovered my daughter’s socks over my hands are fantastic for that purpose, and it really works to stop me scratching and gouging my skin off my body.)
During the most out of control part, I was with a client who although he had seen a lot during his life, had never been a drug addict or spent much time around meth users. I was lying on his couch, ripping the skin off my legs and arms, making the existing sores bleed. He asked me if I was “self-harming” and was concerned that he’d upset me in some way inducing my actions. I laughed and brushed it away, “Nooooo, no this is a typical methhead habit, lots of users do it, not always this badly, but it’s an unconscious, ingrained action,” but his words stuck, and a day or two later, I was driving through a McDonald’s drivethru getting dinner, and I broke down totally. I WAS self-harming. That’s EXACTLY what it was I’ve been doing to myself for the fifteen years or so I’ve indulged in meth. Holy shit, what a revelation!
I start doing it when I get upset or angry, and once I’ve broken the skin, it doesn’t heal until I get sleep. If I’m awake for a week, that can lead to extensive damage with no opportunity to repair, plus it takes weeks for that level of damage to heal completely.
I finally have my face back to “pretty”, but I have scars all over my arms, legs and butt cheeks from the scratching I’ve done this time around. Plus, I got a skin infection that required three lots of antibiotics to kill, so that made me feel like a total leper. I was going through a bottle of foundation a day, just to cover the marks up.
However, without that man’s innocent observation, I don’t know when I would have reached a level of discipline over my actions to reflect the truth of the self love I’ve spent so many years of my life searching for and have found. I knew what I was doing was messed up, but couldn’t find the psychological hold I needed to stop myself. I’m so grateful to have found it, as it’s transformed my perception of my actions and enabled me to create new habits that are nurturing instead of harming.
But the messy state I got into before that insight? Well, I was doing all sorts of crazy shit. I was doing jobs for whatever money they had to offer, just because I wanted to get laid due to being so high. I was f**king guys for free, some with no condom (after I’d seen what they had in their pants and if it was desirable to me), basically putting all my pompous, stuckup, snotty statements from my previous posts to shame, making them all lies. Like, I really got f**ked up in the head. All because I couldn’t deal with working when I have someone I love.
The result of being so high for so many months?
I stopped writing to my man, over a year of continuous letters just stone cold stopped. I can’t remember the last letter I wrote him, apart from shitty emails when he’s upset me and won’t listen. I lost my dignity by doing all the crazy, totally unsafe, unhygienic and very unprofessional things I was doing. I almost destroyed our relationship completely, as well as nearly losing my mind.
It was about six weeks ago I finally confessed to him what I’d been doing, and my confession dissipated the need to be crazy and we have started coming up with solutions. The main problem was I could no longer do the job, drug free and feel okay about it. I needed him to rescue me with one of his many plans he has dangled under my nose since the beginning of last year, and I had become extremely resentful that he would rather sit back and let me look after him by earning my money in this way instead of coming through for me.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he’s in jail, hence he is unable to financially support me in a legitimate way, and needs to be supported himself. I’ve never been in such a weird and unsavoury relationship before, however, the whole situation has been weird from the get go.
Nothing about him is anything I would ever go for. He’s a neanderthal, beefed up gym bunny, all my life I’ve taken the piss out of men who feel the need to increase their body mass excessively at the gym. He’s also told me he’s a gang member, if I had known that before we fell for each other, I would never have had anything to do with him. He’s in prison, why the HELL would I put myself and my daughter into a position of being around a criminal?
Well, I met him before he went in for this lag, he was with this crazy woman I used to know, and he treated her like a queen. When I met him, I didn’t see him as the loser I’ve just described. He ended up getting locked up again, and about five months after that, we started our correspondence. The connection was instant. He’s an unusual character, he has a lot of talents and was enjoying the criminal life he led, which kept getting him locked up. However, now we’re together, he just wants to look after our family and keep his nose clean so he never has to be away from us again, and I believe him.
We’ve got every naysayer under the sun thinking it’s doomed, and if either of us were “typical” individuals, I would agree with the general consensus. However, both of us are exceptional individuals, I have found my other half, he loves me with all my faults as well as the good bits. For myself, I’ve never been in love with someone I’ve never slept with before, and the fact we’re still going strong after all this time and all the difficulties we’ve experienced says a lot to me about the strength of our future together. The fact that I LOVE him so much without having had sex with him tells me, we’ve got something very special.
So, going back to work when this is how I felt about someone was totally incongruous, I was suffering and needed reprieve. I kept telling him, but he wasn’t hearing me. It took me nearly losing my mind for him to realise how legitimate my distress was.
Unfortunately, because he’s in jail, I can’t make him do anything, and I can’t get proof that everything he’s told me about himself is for real, I have to wait until he gets out to discover how full of shit about himself he is. So, he’s still stonewalling with assistance, justifying it with all sorts of excuses. The main one has always been that he was scared he would lose me to the drugs if he hooked me up with a bulk supply to get rid of. He wasn’t paying attention, he was losing me to the drugs I was paying top dollar for. He got the message. Now his excuses are related to how to organise things.
In the meantime, I’ve completely lost interest and belief in being rescued by him. Plus, at the end of August, a girl went through a red light and wrote off my car, so I no longer have the car payments that were making my budget impossible to live on. The universe provided a solution, and the best part is… I no longer NEED to do this job to survive. I’ve even gotten to the point of recognising, I’m ready to search for wages work again.
Therefore, my time doing this is rapidly coming to an end. I just want to get my teeth sorted as the last six months haven’t done them any favours, they are so sore!
Overall, it’s been an eventful year of self growth and awareness. I’m working on my discipline and being consistent, and I’m reading a book called “The Happiness Project” at the moment, which although lightweight and fluffy, is helping me direct my focus into what’s important to me right now, and learning what I want for myself realistically. That’s new for me, as how I’ve viewed myself my entire life was idealistically, and as a result, never achieved anything that I consider significant as I was going after what I thought I wanted, and I’ve never really acknowledged that so many of my “dreams for my future” were really never going to happen as they were not embracing who I am, they were based on who I wanted to be or told myself I was.
However, I still have a few weeks of this work left to do, and that time will be used to totally reassess my goals careerwise, and put my considered decisions into action.
Writing is definitely part of my future, hence my choice to get myself back here. Consistancy is key. If I don’t do it every day, I won’t get all the books in my head out, and I want the headspace free for bigger and better things.
Maybe then, all those dreams I have written off as unachievable due to being conjured up by a person deluded about themselves, might actually have a chance of coming true, as I always had some grand, amazing dreams for my future.
I can’t wait to see it unfold from now.
I’m empty again, so it must be time to stop writing. Thanks for reading.